Investitionen

Texts inspired by Karen Hesse's novel »Out Of The Dust«

 

In 1985

When the leaves began to fall

she was born

In a hospital in the Burgenland

Nearly 2 weeks too early

Her parents named her Michaela

A tall girl

looking a bit like a negro

with her dark skin

Her wide mouth

Her big nose

And eyes blue like an ocean.

Her hair colour changes every season.

 

There are just a few persons

I know

With such a good character

She's very social, helpful, a good listener,…

 

She has always lived in Wiesen

In a white house

On a small hill

 

Her three brothers: two older

one younger

All as nice as she

but not as powerful

She's like a sunray.

---

Beginning: May 1986

As the spring flowers were blossoming,

so was I,

born at the hospital in Gmünd.

My Ma was happy, but my Dad

wasn’t there.

 

Finally I came,

my parents and the doctors

had waited so long for me.

I should have been born 2 weeks earlier.

 

The hospital phoned my father

and told him that he had a child.

Then he phoned my aunt.

She asked whether I was a boy or a girl.

But he couldn’t answer, because he didn’t know.

---

My little Brother

More than two years ago

My brother was born,

Just a few minutes before midnight.

He was tiny as a cat

and had hair like a cat.

In the first weeks of his life

he was very thin

and his face

looked like that

of an old depressed woman.

But when he grew older,

he got a belly like a melon.

He had very small legs and hands

And he could smile

through the whole face with his frog mouth.

Now he isn’t so thick anymore

And can speak very well already.

---

I came,

like all the flowers blooming in the meadows,

in May.

Ma shouted with pain

when the doctor jumped onto her belly.

I was a difficult birth.

Daddy was frightened

when he saw

the little white pimples on my nose,

looking like little pricks.

My parents named me Maria,

like the Holy Maria of Magdala.

And they got a long-legged girl

with long blond hair,

like an angel,

mostly calm and serene.

They got a thin girl,

thin as a blade of grass

and fragile like porcelain.

Later I got louder and

more quick-witted.

And the girl,

called Maria,

became fond of reading.

She read, whenever she could.

And she loved and will always love

babies.

When I was about two,

Ma got another baby,

my sister Sabrina.

And after Ma´s having given birth to her,

we all left Vienna.

And we came to somewhere

where my grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousin live.

I´ve enjoyed it most of the time to live

in the country.

´Cause I love nature and most of all the animals.

When I was younger,

I loved to visit Granny.

She told us stories

and played with us.

And she gave us sweets.

But also Ma and Dad played

with us, me and my sister.

Now I´m fourteen

and I often

quarrel with my sister.

But I think,

that´s OK at this age.

I sometimes visit my cousin in Zwettl.

She´s got two little

lovely

boys.

I like playing with them very much.

And I enjoy snuggling with them many times.

´Cause I

love

babies and small children.

---

My birth  

While the sun burned down

on all these people

lying at the beach,

swimming in the sea

or oiling their bodies,

there was a woman who was lying in the hospital,

full of pain,

full of hope,

wondering how a tiny new human

should come out of her belly.

She didn’t notice anything from outside,

neither the sun nor the people,

just trying to get that 4 kg – baby out of herself,

trying to suppress all that pain

and hugging that little baby girl,

full of blood,

who screamed when her lungs started to breathe

the air of the hospital.

And the exhausted woman,

holding her child and showing it to her husband,

this brave woman was my mother.

My older sister

didn’t know what to do

when she saw this tiny body lying in her mother’s arms.

She couldn’t believe

that this screaming thing was her little sister.

She couldn’t imagine

how she would play dolls with me

like we did when I was five years,

so she just looked into my big green eyes.

These were the first moments of my beginning life.

Now, 14 years later,

I understand the relief of my parents

when they knew

that I was healthy,

but I still can’t imagine

the pain my mother felt.

And all that happened on just one day.

On August 24th.

---

Beginning: January 1986

Five minutes to midnight

I was born

on a cold January day.

I came ten days too early,

light like a feather

and tiny like a mouse.

My sister got ill,

when I was two months old.

Ma stayed with her at the hospital,

I stayed at home with Dad.

When they came back

Ma tried to breastfeed,

but I didn´t drink

except milk from a bottle.

I´ve curly hair like a sheep,

big eyes like balls

and I´m small like my Ma.

When I was younger

I played games with my sisters

which I can not remember

anymore-

only that I loved them

and sometimes I wish

to be young again.

---

»My birth«

In winter, when the snow was whirling around,

A big baby was born.

I came too fast, but not too much.

My mum had wanted a boy, and she had guessed right,

Little Tom the heavy, big baby

Which turned into a horror baby,

Made my parents life happy.

Dad named me Tom, I don’t know why.

From the earliest I can remember

We lived in a white house

In a village called Nowhere.

Ma didn’t try to have other babies,

Because I was so bad all time.

Nearly fourteen now, I’m just like thirteen years ago,

But not childish, only bad.

---

Birthday

Frightened, but also sure that they would help her,

my mother in hospital.

White clean people were running around, quiet like ghosts.

In the middle, my Mum felt as if the room was full of water,

time was standing still.

Suddenly there was a loud voice,

someone wanted to say:

»I am here, it’s me!«

Knowing all, busy but quiet, the ghosts worked.

And then Mum saw me,

and she was glad that my birthday was over.

---

»Out of the dust«: Beginning: August 1986

As summer wheat came ripe,
So did I,
Born at midnight in the hospital,
After a hot and sunny day.

I came after a long time of pains for my mother,
But for my dad it was the longest time in his life,
He waited and waited for my birth,
But I wasn’t in a hurry.

They got a plump girl,
With cheeks like apples,
So full and red,
And with long blond hair,
And blue eyes,
So blue like the deep ocean.
They got a little, happy girl,
With a fondness for fruits
And a hunger for sweets.

When I was nine, I wanted to be a boy,
Because they are allowed to do »all«,
Because they are »boys«.
They play football and »Cowboy and Indian«,
And I also wanted to play those games.
But today I know that girls can do that too.
All people said to me, »You are a mess up boy.«

Ma got another baby,
My sister Claudia.
I was very excited, when I heard the news.
But when my ma was in hospital,
And my dad drove to her,
I didn’t want to stay at my grand-ma.
I was jealous of my little sister,
Before she was born.
But when mum came home with her,
And I could hold her,
I got happy and I liked her.

I was three
By the time this baby came,
And I was too young
To understand,
Where the baby had come from

---

Beginning: 1985

I came in autumn,

it was nearly winter.

I think, my parents didn’t mind

whether they’d get a boy or a girl.

They got a little girl

and named it Elisabeth,

but they called it Lisi.

They got a girl,

with brown-green eyes

and a fondness for vegetables

and also for animals.

She likes playing the flute very much.

My parents tried to get more babies.

And this is the reason why I know what

Billy Jo from the book »Out of the dust«

feels when she loses her mother and her

brother.

I lost my sister and my brother,

both died when they were babies.

I think I was very unhappy and felt guilty

but I have to face the facts.

Ma didn’t get any more babies.

I was nearly nine years old when Mark came to us.

He is a foster child and was five years old when

he came to my family. He is very nice and

likes it to nerve everybody in the family.

I think he wouldn’t go back into

the children’s house where he had stayed

a few months, years ago. My parents make no

difference between Mark and me,

and I love him like a real brother.

---

That’s me Beginning: March 1986

On a rainy and foggy day

I came,

after Ma had walked through the city

like a weasel

with her big and plump belly and

had bought a wrapover vest for

me.

I didn’t come fast,

I wanted to stay in the warm and cosy inside of

my mum a little bit longer,

but they didn’t let me.

And there I was.

A very small, at the beginning blue-faced girl

with legs like sickles bent in the wrong direction.

a girl with dark brown eyes and hair like her

father’s,

who had wanted a boy but when he saw me,

he was overwhelmed by seeing his own daughter.

From the earliest I can remember

a little boy with blond hair and cheeks like

big red apples,

who was always like a brother for me,

played-

amongst my dog »Ecco«,

drawing, playing with puzzles

and my family-

a very important part

in my life.

When I was 8 or 9 years old

My parents got

Divorced.

Now my dad lives in another flat in

Waid­ho­fen and my ma has married

again and got my sister »Anna«.

We also moved, but we are still living in

Waid­ho­fen.

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